I used to have a very strong ‘prepare the umbrella before the rainstorm’ (未雨绸缪) mentality when I was at school. I hypothesised that the best way to prepare for life after school is to be the most all-rounded student that I could be - be the top scorer in class, a leader at one of the uniformed bodies (school prefects, boy’s scouts & girl guides, police cadets etc.) and an athlete. That way, I’ll be equipped intellectually, mentally and physically. Isn’t that the best preparation I could ever make? Logically, yes; but in actuality, no.
My struggles in the first few years after secondary school are summarised in below three scenarios:
1. Obsessing over “Is it the right thing to do?”
I was obsessed with doing the right things. In other words, I dreaded wasting time. I wanted to get and be the best of everything. The problem is that I was exposed to so many standards. At my former university (Hong Kong University of Science & Technology), some of my peers immersed themselves in schoolwork, even staying up late at night. Some were very active in their student clubs. Some were very active in sports and socialising. Some were even running a business outside of class. What’s the right thing for me to do then?
I found myself reeling from lack of self-direction. When I spent time doing exercise, I thought of my peers who were hard at work in the library. When I spent time on my schoolwork, I thought of my peers who were out there building a business empire for themselves. When I had my meals at the cafeteria, I saw my peers bantering with one another and just wondered how their bantering skills came about.
I’d been conditioned to want to be the best. So it was very hard for me to accept mediocrity. After all, I put in all the efforts throughout my primary and secondary school life expecting to gain a certain stature later on. Through sheer self-discipline and countless self-pep talk, I managed to salvage my results in the first year of university - good enough to enrol in a selective programme offered by the business school. However, I reached the maximum of my capacity. I found myself worn out by mental lethargy and negative emotions - jealousy, hatred, self-pity and feeling out of control.
2. Thinking to myself “Where do I even stand among these ultra-talented ones?”
At HKUST, I came to know people whose achievements and intelligence were just simply on another level. Though we walk on the same floor and breathe in the same air, I felt that our reality was universes apart. I knew a guy who was conferred an award by Bill Gates when he was still a kid; another guy who won some international robotic awards; another guy who’d been getting near-full CGPA since his first semester at the university; another guy who got sponsored to attend Yale University for a year; another guy who ran a YouTube channel doing demo of 3D printers. To be associated with these people was supposed to be inspiring - but it turned out to be depressing to me. Don’t get me wrong - these guys are amazing gentlemen and I’m still in contact with some of them until this day.
3. Being swallowed up in negativity
Amidst such self-doubt and feeling of incompetence, I found myself immersed in jealousy, bitterness, scepticism and despair. It didn’t help that I didn’t have sufficient discernment when it comes to interactions with the opposite gender. I found myself easily developing affection for members of the opposite gender. Such feelings felt forced upon me and drained me out mentally and psychologically.
These experiences culminated in my quitting HKUST in March 2016 to nurse my mental health issues back at home in Malaysia. I’ve since been on a journey of realization after realization and have graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Sociology from State University of New York (Plattsburgh). I’ve shared my realizations along the way through my blog posts (there are 16 of them as of today, which you could access via the menu button on the top left). This journey eventually led me to believing unto Christ in November 2018.
I am turning 26 this year. It’s been seven years since I left secondary school. And It’s been a full year since I graduated from university. Looking back, how could I have ‘prepared the umbrella before the rainstorm’? I don’t know. But what I do know is that many out there are going through their respective ‘rainstorms’ in obscurity. And I want to reach out to every one of them if I could.
Romans 8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life has freed me in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and of death.
My struggles in the first few years after secondary school are summarised in below three scenarios:
1. Obsessing over “Is it the right thing to do?”
I was obsessed with doing the right things. In other words, I dreaded wasting time. I wanted to get and be the best of everything. The problem is that I was exposed to so many standards. At my former university (Hong Kong University of Science & Technology), some of my peers immersed themselves in schoolwork, even staying up late at night. Some were very active in their student clubs. Some were very active in sports and socialising. Some were even running a business outside of class. What’s the right thing for me to do then?
I found myself reeling from lack of self-direction. When I spent time doing exercise, I thought of my peers who were hard at work in the library. When I spent time on my schoolwork, I thought of my peers who were out there building a business empire for themselves. When I had my meals at the cafeteria, I saw my peers bantering with one another and just wondered how their bantering skills came about.
I’d been conditioned to want to be the best. So it was very hard for me to accept mediocrity. After all, I put in all the efforts throughout my primary and secondary school life expecting to gain a certain stature later on. Through sheer self-discipline and countless self-pep talk, I managed to salvage my results in the first year of university - good enough to enrol in a selective programme offered by the business school. However, I reached the maximum of my capacity. I found myself worn out by mental lethargy and negative emotions - jealousy, hatred, self-pity and feeling out of control.
2. Thinking to myself “Where do I even stand among these ultra-talented ones?”
At HKUST, I came to know people whose achievements and intelligence were just simply on another level. Though we walk on the same floor and breathe in the same air, I felt that our reality was universes apart. I knew a guy who was conferred an award by Bill Gates when he was still a kid; another guy who won some international robotic awards; another guy who’d been getting near-full CGPA since his first semester at the university; another guy who got sponsored to attend Yale University for a year; another guy who ran a YouTube channel doing demo of 3D printers. To be associated with these people was supposed to be inspiring - but it turned out to be depressing to me. Don’t get me wrong - these guys are amazing gentlemen and I’m still in contact with some of them until this day.
3. Being swallowed up in negativity
Amidst such self-doubt and feeling of incompetence, I found myself immersed in jealousy, bitterness, scepticism and despair. It didn’t help that I didn’t have sufficient discernment when it comes to interactions with the opposite gender. I found myself easily developing affection for members of the opposite gender. Such feelings felt forced upon me and drained me out mentally and psychologically.
These experiences culminated in my quitting HKUST in March 2016 to nurse my mental health issues back at home in Malaysia. I’ve since been on a journey of realization after realization and have graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Sociology from State University of New York (Plattsburgh). I’ve shared my realizations along the way through my blog posts (there are 16 of them as of today, which you could access via the menu button on the top left). This journey eventually led me to believing unto Christ in November 2018.
I am turning 26 this year. It’s been seven years since I left secondary school. And It’s been a full year since I graduated from university. Looking back, how could I have ‘prepared the umbrella before the rainstorm’? I don’t know. But what I do know is that many out there are going through their respective ‘rainstorms’ in obscurity. And I want to reach out to every one of them if I could.
Romans 8:2 For the law of the Spirit of life has freed me in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and of death.