I was always the “good boy” growing up. I grew up in a loving environment in which my parents and the people around me cherished me. I just needed to take care of my studies and enjoy the kindness of the people around me. However, after I completed high school in 2013, my world was shaken up.
I experienced serious post-travel blue after a three-month working holiday trip in New Zealand in 2014. For the first time, I questioned the purpose of making friends whom I don’t know if I’d meet again. I began my tertiary education in Hong Kong the same year. I envisioned that I would have an amazing experience mingling with elites from different parts of Asia. It did not turn out as pleasantly as I thought it would be.
For the first time, I questioned my intelligence and sociability. My peers in the Global Business program were very quick-witted. They never seemed to run out of ingenious ideas to real-life business problems and pitched like a real CEO. They also seemed really good at socializing. University seemed to be a breeze for them academically and socially. Meanwhile, I was struggling in classes because I had no ideas and opinions in my mind or I struggle to articulate them fluently. For the first time, I questioned if I was really a social person which I thought I had been. Because I did not know how to hold a conversation with people I met for the first time. Also for the first time, I confessed to a crush about my infatuation, which I took very seriously. But my passion for her was not reciprocated.
This series of debilitating experiences threw me off. I was distraught and confused. I wondered why I wound up in those situations. I felt lonely, especially when I saw my peers seemed to be doing just fine. I was often subject to feelings of jealousy, angst and even hatred. I found myself in a very alien mental space. I never felt this way in my whole life. And I could not communicate those thoughts and emotions to anyone around me then. Everyone seemed to be going on with their lives as usual. The prevalent sentiment concerning any negative experiences/feelings/thoughts then was “life is full of ups and downs and there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel”. However, I felt there was something more than that.
These all did not make sense in the first place. I grew up in a loving family, had a great time in secondary school and had been generally a kind-hearted person. How was that I would experience hatred, jealousy and angst for a sustained period of time? I knew this was not just another down period of my life.
Like me, you probably have a place to sleep, sufficient food on the table and are free people (as in we are not chained or imprisoned). How is that we could have feelings of powerlessness, jealousy, hatred and angst? Looking back at my own experiences, I’ve come to realize that the battlefield is not in the physical realm but in the spiritual one.
Let me share with you an experience that has bothered me. I develop romantic affection quite easily. I’ve had a couple of times in which I developed a degree of exclusive fondness toward different ladies (at different times). I found myself kept thinking about them. I felt giddy when thinking about what I should do or what I should say when meeting them or texting them. My mental space became complicated. It prevented me from communicating with them in my normal disposition. I could not genuinely enjoy interacting with them just because I caught the romantic feeling. I felt imprisoned in my own feelings when there is no physical cage around me.
The spiritual warfare is ongoing. I still occasionally catch those romantic feelings. But now I have instant salvation. I no longer need to be enslaved by my mind, will and emotions, all of which have been contaminated and are weak. I could turn to my spirit. I could let go and let the Lord fight the spiritual battle in my place. The Lord has become my solace, joy, rest, peace, and salvation.
I praise the Lord that He found me and I found Him early in my life. Praise the Lord I could abide on the path I am meant to walk on and not swayed by worldly tides. Praise the Lord I was given a new life when I was dead in my spirit. Praise the Lord that He wants me to enjoy a glorious Body life with fellow brothers and sisters on this earth. He is all and in all. He is my all.
I dropped out of the university I had attended in Hong Kong in March 2016 after three turbulent semesters. I restarted my college journey in my home country, Malaysia, in August 2016. And I transferred to a college in upstate New York, where I am currently finishing up my college journey, in August 2018.
Matthew 6:34
“Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself; sufficient for the day is its own evil.”
I experienced serious post-travel blue after a three-month working holiday trip in New Zealand in 2014. For the first time, I questioned the purpose of making friends whom I don’t know if I’d meet again. I began my tertiary education in Hong Kong the same year. I envisioned that I would have an amazing experience mingling with elites from different parts of Asia. It did not turn out as pleasantly as I thought it would be.
For the first time, I questioned my intelligence and sociability. My peers in the Global Business program were very quick-witted. They never seemed to run out of ingenious ideas to real-life business problems and pitched like a real CEO. They also seemed really good at socializing. University seemed to be a breeze for them academically and socially. Meanwhile, I was struggling in classes because I had no ideas and opinions in my mind or I struggle to articulate them fluently. For the first time, I questioned if I was really a social person which I thought I had been. Because I did not know how to hold a conversation with people I met for the first time. Also for the first time, I confessed to a crush about my infatuation, which I took very seriously. But my passion for her was not reciprocated.
This series of debilitating experiences threw me off. I was distraught and confused. I wondered why I wound up in those situations. I felt lonely, especially when I saw my peers seemed to be doing just fine. I was often subject to feelings of jealousy, angst and even hatred. I found myself in a very alien mental space. I never felt this way in my whole life. And I could not communicate those thoughts and emotions to anyone around me then. Everyone seemed to be going on with their lives as usual. The prevalent sentiment concerning any negative experiences/feelings/thoughts then was “life is full of ups and downs and there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel”. However, I felt there was something more than that.
These all did not make sense in the first place. I grew up in a loving family, had a great time in secondary school and had been generally a kind-hearted person. How was that I would experience hatred, jealousy and angst for a sustained period of time? I knew this was not just another down period of my life.
Like me, you probably have a place to sleep, sufficient food on the table and are free people (as in we are not chained or imprisoned). How is that we could have feelings of powerlessness, jealousy, hatred and angst? Looking back at my own experiences, I’ve come to realize that the battlefield is not in the physical realm but in the spiritual one.
Let me share with you an experience that has bothered me. I develop romantic affection quite easily. I’ve had a couple of times in which I developed a degree of exclusive fondness toward different ladies (at different times). I found myself kept thinking about them. I felt giddy when thinking about what I should do or what I should say when meeting them or texting them. My mental space became complicated. It prevented me from communicating with them in my normal disposition. I could not genuinely enjoy interacting with them just because I caught the romantic feeling. I felt imprisoned in my own feelings when there is no physical cage around me.
The spiritual warfare is ongoing. I still occasionally catch those romantic feelings. But now I have instant salvation. I no longer need to be enslaved by my mind, will and emotions, all of which have been contaminated and are weak. I could turn to my spirit. I could let go and let the Lord fight the spiritual battle in my place. The Lord has become my solace, joy, rest, peace, and salvation.
I praise the Lord that He found me and I found Him early in my life. Praise the Lord I could abide on the path I am meant to walk on and not swayed by worldly tides. Praise the Lord I was given a new life when I was dead in my spirit. Praise the Lord that He wants me to enjoy a glorious Body life with fellow brothers and sisters on this earth. He is all and in all. He is my all.
I dropped out of the university I had attended in Hong Kong in March 2016 after three turbulent semesters. I restarted my college journey in my home country, Malaysia, in August 2016. And I transferred to a college in upstate New York, where I am currently finishing up my college journey, in August 2018.
Matthew 6:34
“Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself; sufficient for the day is its own evil.”